Black and White
by DeadPigeon
Summary: Tragedy strikes the 12th. STORY IS NOW COMPLETE! New readers, this AU story takes place sometime after Knockdown episode 3X13.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

It was a grey day. It had been a week of grey days. The world outside the limo reminded  
him of an old photo, black and white and grey. It was so still. When had the city become so  
colorless and quiet? He never noticed it changing. When had it happened?

Outside the limo the neon flashed, horns honked and street vendors shouted their wares.  
New York hadn't changed, his perception had changed. The perception of his world, what  
had been his world, was irrevocably altered.

Anger reddened Javier's eyes. Why could he not grieve like the others? But he knew why.  
The responsibility was now his. He had to be the one strong enough to keep them all from  
falling apart. He leaned back into the black leather seats and closed his eyes. But closing his  
eyes only made it worse. Because every time he closed his eyes he could see that day, that  
horrible day when all the color was taken from his world.


	2. The Day

**The Day**

Javier Esposito loved his job. He loved going in to work. Each day had the same ebb  
and flow. Sign in, head to the bullpen, grab a coffee and wait for Ryan to arrive at the  
last minute. While he waited, he always looked for the telltale signs of Beckett. There  
were always signs. A note she'd left for him, a cup of coffee still steaming on her desk,  
or the murder board with information added or rearranged. She always seemed to be  
there before him. He was an early riser but he had nothing on that woman. He some  
times wondered if she even went home.

Once Ryan arrived, they would wait for the daily assignment from her. He'd noticed over  
the last couple of years how her morning routine had changed. These days she waited for  
Castle to arrive before she handed out the assignments. What used to be a gung ho,  
let's go style had mellowed into a gradual build while she waited for the always fashionably  
late, Rick Castle.

At first, he had been a little jealous of Castle. He had always been Beckett's go to guy, but  
gradually he'd been replaced. Not that he minded anymore. He saw how well they worked  
together. She had always resisted having a partner, an equal. But Castle had become just  
that. The two complimented each other in ways that neither seemed to notice. He also  
wondered if they would ever get together, because if the chemistry between them got any  
hotter, the sprinklers might go off in the bullpen.

So, he watched and waited, and wagered. There was a serious bet going on at the precinct  
involving Beckett and Castle about how,when or if they would ever hook-up. It was always part  
of the morning conversation between him and Ryan. Did they notice anything different  
yesterday? What had their mood been like? And then when Castle arrived, they would rate  
his morning greeting to her on a scale of one to ten. Ryan had even created a spreadsheet  
to track the ratings. He realized they had become like a couple of schoolgirls gossiping about  
a cute boy, but he didn't care. It was too much fun. Plus, it helped them gauge their odds of  
winning the pot.

This morning had started out like all the others. Beckett handed out the assignments. He and  
Ryan were off to Queens to do some more canvassing. It was one of his least favorite things  
to do. Beckett and Castle headed off to Jersey to find the itinerate brother of their vic. They  
had received a hot tip on where he might be staying and wanted to follow it up first thing.

His day had been a bust. Nobody had seen a thing, or so they were saying. He left behind his  
cards. Someone would usually grow a conscious and phone in with a tip. So now it was the  
waiting game. It was close to noon when he and Ryan finished, so they stopped at Rosario's  
Deli for a bite to eat. He hoped Beckett was having better luck.

Back at the precinct, he still hadn't heard from Beckett; but that wasn't unusual. He and Ryan  
spent the next hour checking the cell phone records and financials of their current suspects.  
It was Ryan who noticed it first. He tapped Javier on the shoulder and pointed towards the  
captain's closed door.

"Dude, his door is never shut. What do you think is going on in there?"

"Dunno bro, bound to be important though." His speculation was cut short when he saw Lanie  
exiting the elevator.

"What brings you up here?" He asked.

"Don't know?" I got a call from the captain's Assistant. He said get up here asap." She looked  
over to the captain's office. "Why is his door closed?"

"We don't know." Ryan responded. "That's what we were talking about when you showed up."

"You think I should go over? She asked looking at Javier.

"He did call you, but seeing his door closed like that; I say you wait.

"Yeah, but he asked for her to come up now." Ryan analyzed. "It shouldn't matter if the door is  
closed or not, she should go on over."

"I still think she should wait. If he's expecting her, he'll open it up."

"It's just a door. What's the captain gonna do? Fire her for knocking?" Ryan quipped.

"Guys!" Lanie butted in. "You two can keep discussing this among yourselves, I'm outta here."  
Lanie made a move towards the office, but stopped short when the door opened.

They could tell something was wrong. Montgomery stood in the doorway, not moving, his hand  
remaining on the doorknob as if he were trying to support himself. His eyes lingering over  
Beckett's desk before he met their gaze. They could all see it. The thousand yard stare.  
Something had happened, something bad. They watched as he composed himself and headed  
into the bullpen.

Lanie stepped closer to where Javier sat and put her hand on his shoulder for support. A knot  
began to form in her stomach.

The captain voice wavered as he spoke. "I need everyone's attention." Half the crew in the  
bullpen hadn't heard.

"People!" He called out louder. "I need everyone's attention!"

Things slowly came to a clamoring halt. He looked around to make sure everyone was looking  
in his direction. He struggled with every word as he spoke.

"Ten minutes ago I received a call from Jersey PD." He stopped for a moment, almost unable to  
say the next words.

"This afternoon... we lost two of our own." He didn't want to say it out loud, it would make it real.

Lanie wavered. She knew. She knew before the names were out of his mouth. _Don't say it, please  
__don't say it! _But he spoke.

"Detective Beckett and Rick Castle were killed in a traffic accident earlier today."

Lanie felt her knees grow weak. Javier reached out for her before she could crumple to the floor.

"No, not my girl! Not my girl!" She lamented as tears filled her eyes. Holding her tightly Javier  
struggled to contain his tears, but they quickly found their way out.

Detective Ryan stood, unbelieving. _He did not just hear that_, he thought. _No, this did not_ _happen.  
__Things like this did not happen!_ He made a move towards the captain. He had to hear it again.  
He'd made some kind of mistake.

Montgomery threw up his hands and waved him off, shaking his head no as he backed towards  
his office. He turned and went inside. And for the first time since he'd been at the 12th, he shut  
and _locked_ his door.

Audible moans were heard around the room. Soon, more people were crying. The bullpen was  
stunned. Ringing phones remained unanswered.

Javier held Lanie as they cried together. Ryan returned to his desk and sat in stunned disbelief.  
I was moments before the finality of what he'd heard registered. He had to run to the bathroom  
and throw up. He remained in there for some time, mourning in private.

He emerged, bleary eyed, as the captain came back out of his office.

"Sir?" Ryan said, looking for answers.

"I'm sorry," he said, gripping Ryan's shoulder and giving it a squeeze. He put his arm around the  
Detective and guided him back towards Lanie and Esposito.

"You three, go home."

"But sir…? Ryan started to protest.

"The commissioner has cleared us for the rest of the week. Now go home."

"But sir?" Ryan remained defiant.

"But what?" Montgomery threw back angrily. "What? What do think I can do? There's nothing to  
be done! They're gone…that's it!" His jaw tightened as he struggled to maintain control.

"I'm sorry," he apologized for his outburst. "Ryan, go home. Please?" He turned to his other detective  
as he struggled to keep it together. "Javier, take Lanie home." I have to go and see their families.  
They haven't been told yet...I need to see them before the media gets hold of it." Leaving them, he  
headed for elevator.

As he walked away, they could see the burden of what he had to do weighing upon his shoulders.


	3. Mother & Daughter

**Mother & Daughter**

Captain Montgomery sat outside Castle's apartment. He had been sitting there for a  
while. He was finding it difficult to leave the car. There was safety in the car. Safety  
from the cruelty had had to impose upon a young girl and a mother.

He was finally coaxed into leaving by a knock on his window. He looked up and saw  
the buildings doorman standing next to his car. He rolled down the window as he  
pulled his badge from the breast pocket of his jacket.

"Sir, you're not allowed to park here for more than…," he caught a glimpse of the badge,  
"…sorry sir, stay as long as you need." The man turned to leave, but the captain called  
him back.

"Can you tell me if Mr. Castle's family is at home?"

"Yes sir, they're here. Do you want me to call up?"

"No, that won't be necessary. I'll just go on up."

He reluctantly opened the door and left the safety of the car.

….

The uneasy feeling that he carried in his stomach was magnified by the motion of the  
elevator. He waited a moment after he arrived at their floor. He wanted the feeling to  
pass before he knocked on their door, but it wasn't going to happen. He would always  
remember this as the shortest and longest walk he ever took in his life. Stopping  
outside their door, he raised his hand and knocked.

He could hear the hard click of footsteps as they approached the door. Martha opened  
the door with her usual flourish. She loved a dramatic greeting. It made every visit seem  
special.

"Captain Montgomery, nice to see you, please come on in." She was so busy with her  
grand greeting that she never really looked at him. She ushered him into the living room.

"What brings you by? If you're looking for Richard I believe he's with Detective Beckett today."

"No ma'am, I know he's with Kate." Saying that almost crushed his resolve.

"Well, is there something I can do for you? I know, Richard's birthday is coming up. Are you  
planning a surprise party for him? He loves surprises, though he'll never admit it."

"No, ma'am, that's not why I'm here." He didn't want to tell her. He didn't want to be the one  
to crush this vivacious woman's spirit.

"Could we sit down?" he asked, as he motioned towards the couch.

"Certainly," she brought him over to the couch and sat demurely on its edge. She waited for  
him to sit next to her, but he never did.

When she raised her eyes to meet his she finally noticed his demeanor, his redden eyes, the  
furrow of his brow and the trembling of his jaw.

"Oh my god...," her face blanched. "Something's wrong. What's happened? Something's happened?"  
She stood up and placed her hands on his lapels and pleaded. "Please tell me…what's happened?"

He reached up and tightly gripped her hands in his.

"I'm so sorry," was all he could manage as his tears forced their way out again.

Her knees gave way. He quickly pulled her to him and helped her back to the sofa. She pulled her  
hands from his and covered her mouth as she tried to stifle a moan that escaped from deep inside  
her. She then doubled over, her arms around her waist, physically reacting as if her child had just  
been taken from her womb. The captain sat down beside her and put his arm around her shoulder  
to offer what little comfort he could give. He pulled out his handkerchief and offered it to her, but  
she never took it. She was content to let her tears fall into her hands. He pulled back his offer and  
used it to dry his own eyes. When her tears had lessened and she had found her voice again, she  
spoke only to blame herself.

"It's all my fault, I should have said yes."

"What's your fault?" He asked

"He'd once asked me… if I thought he should quit. I should have said yes." Tears crept down her  
face again as she looked into his eyes. "Tell me what happened…please."

He knew that when he told her it would worsen her grief. He hesitated, but her eyes pleaded.

"Your son and Detective Beckett were both killed in a bad accident on the Jersey turnpike earlier  
today," he hurriedly spilled it all out, best just to get it done. He was right…she fell apart again.

"No, not Kate too!" she cried out. It was this last cry that brought Alexis to the upstairs balcony.

He heard her voice before he saw her.

"Gram, what's wrong? Her hesitant voice questioned. Not waiting for a reply, she ran down the  
stairs to be with her grandmother.

"Oh dear lord…," Martha whispered to herself. She had forgotten about her granddaughter  
while she had been consumed by her own grief.

Alexis stopped in front of the couch, looking worriedly at the two distraught adults before her.

"Gram, what's wrong? What's happened?" She looked warningly from the captain then to her  
grandmother.

Martha stepped forward and pulled her into a tight embrace. She clung to the frightened girl  
and cried. Alexis returned her embrace for the moment, but wanting answers she pushed  
her grandmother away. Confusion filled her features.

""What's going on? What's happened?" She demanded as her voice trembled.

"Oh sweetie…it's your dad." She reached for Alexis' hand and clasped it in both of her own.  
She struggled to tell her through the tears. "Your dad and Kate were in an accident."

"No!" Gram, are they hurt? Are they in the hospital?"

"They're gone," was all Martha could say as she shook her head over and over, trying still to  
deny it herself.

Alexis yanked her hands from her grandmother's grasp.

"You're wrong. He's ok… I talked to him on the phone…a while ago… so I know you're wrong…  
It's our date night…he's gonna be here…we're gonna go out …he promised!" Tears were  
starting to push their way through her denial.

"Look… look," she said as she fumbled her hand into her sweater pocket. She pulled out her  
cell phone. "I'll call him… you'll see…he'll come and get me!" She hit the pre- programmed  
number on her phone and held it to her ear as she rocked in place.

Captain Montgomery's heart broke and Martha stood with her arms wrapped around herself  
as she watched her granddaughter's world fall apart.

"Pick up dad…pick up…please! It rang and rang till finally it went to his voice mail. Heavy sobs  
burst forth when she heard his recorded voice and realized she would never hear it again.  
She dropped to her knees on the floor in anguish holding the failed lifeline in her hands.

Montgomery stepped over to Alexis and lifted her off the floor. He motioned Martha to the couch  
and placed the heartbroken girl into her arms. He knew this was becoming too much for him.  
They were going to need more than he had to offer. He reached down and gently removed the  
cell phone from her grasp. He hoped to find a phone number to one of Castle's ex-wives on her  
phone. He had met both Gina and Meredith, if only briefly. Meredith was the girl's mother,  
though not a very good one. Gina was his best choice. He scrolled through Alexis' contact list till  
her found her name. He turned away from the two on the couch as they shared their grief. He  
hit send as he crossed back across the room and stood by the front door. A woman's voice  
greeted him.

"Hey honey, what's up?"

He hesitated. He hadn't anticipated that she would recognize Alexis' number.

"Alexis, are you there?"

"Hello is this Gina?" he queried.

"Yes it is…and who is this…what are you doing with Alexis' phone?"

"I'm sorry ma'am this is Captain Montgomery with the NYPD.

"Oh my god…is Alexis ok?" Gina asked, jumping to conclusions.

"Alexis is fine, I'm with her and her grandmother right now. Look, the reason I called is that I need  
you to come over here right away"

"Why…what's wrong?"

"Rick was killed in a car accident earlier today." He surprised himself by how much easier it was to  
say when he didn't have to see her face. There was silence on the other end, followed by a loud  
clatter. He waited a moment before he spoke.

"Hello…hello..?" There was no reply. He thought he could hear crying faintly in the background.  
He would wait. Minutes later he heard her voice again. She sounded shaken.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Thank you. I'll stay with them till you arrive. We can talk more then." He slid the phone shut and  
leaned against the door. He looked over at the two women on the couch. Martha clung tightly to  
the girl, like she was trying to replace her own lost child with his. It would happen. Not today,  
but in time. For now, they would have to look to each other to fill the void his death had left behind.


	4. Father

**Father**

Captain Montgomery made a quick stop at the Jersey Precinct before he set off to see  
Beckett's father. On the drive he reflected on the day's events.

Jersey PD had called the Commissioner and the Commissioner had called him. He had  
listened with shocked disbelief as he was told of their deaths. He couldn't remember  
most of their conversation. In fact, he couldn't remember speaking at all. He did  
remember hanging up the phone and looking out his door at Beckett's desk and at  
the two empty chairs that would never be filled again. He had to close his door from  
the view so that his anger and grief wouldn't keep him from doing his job, the job of  
ripping the hearts out of his friends and co-workers just outside the door.

He understood that his people took risks in the field everyday. But this…this was cruel  
and unfair. Cruel to the pair who worked so hard and risked so much to help others  
find justice and closure, only to receive _this_ as their reward. He would never understand  
how life could be so unfair to them and to everyone they touched. He would feel this  
loss forever. They all would. The two had burned like the sun when they were together.  
He may have been the boss, but they were the light to which everyone was drawn. They  
were the center of a universe they never knew existed. And now, those that they'd left  
behind would slowly drift apart.

He pulled to the curb in front of a well kept but dated seventies ranch house nestled in  
a suburb among other similar looking homes. It was hard for him to imagine the string  
of events that had occurred in Kate's life to have brought her to this day. By all rights,  
this idyllic start to her childhood should have guaranteed her happy domesticity, a  
husband and children. Instead, she was struck by life and its cruelties a formidable age  
and that one tragic incident had set in motion the truck that had killed her.

He turned off the car. Gathering his courage one last time, he made his way to the front  
door. He rang the doorbell and waited.

The door opened and he was startled when he saw Kate's eyes staring back at him.  
_She had her father's eyes. _He hadn't expected that. It left him at a loss for words.

"Can I help you?" Jim Beckett queried of the strange man who stood on his porch looking  
confused.

"Excuse me…I was just…," he fumbled in his coat pocket for his badge. He held it up and  
spoke coherently this time.

"Mr. Beckett, I'm Captain Montgomery… I work with your daughter at the 12th precinct.  
I need to speak with you. May I come inside?"

Her father stood gripping both the door and door jamb. He lowered his gaze to the ground  
at the captain's feet and it remained there for some time. Then with a sudden intake of  
breath he backed into the hallway and motioned him inside. He led the way to a small dining  
room and pulled a chair out for the captain.

"Have a seat."

He remained standing. "Sir, I…."

"I know what you're going to say," he interrupted.

"You do?" Captain Montgomery was confused. There was supposed to be a media blackout,  
at least for a few more hours.

"I've been expecting this day ever since she graduated from the academy," He pulled out his  
own chair and sat down with a resigned sigh. The captain took the offered seat and together  
they sat in silence.

Jim Beckett had numbed himself to the inevitability of death, his own and even his daughters.  
He had thought about it every day since his wife Johanna had died. Hell, he even welcomed  
his own at times, but Kate had seen him through that. He could feel the numbness trying to  
turn into pain as he asked his question.

"What happened?"

Montgomery met her father's bluntness with his own.

"They were involved in an accident on the Jersey turnpike this afternoon. An eighteen wheeler  
jack-knifed in front of their car and they couldn't stop in time. They were killed instantly."

"They?"

"She and Richard Castle were both killed."

"The writer…she always talked fondly of him during her visits with me. I had hopes for the  
two of them."

"We all did," the captain responded.

"Gone now," her father said flatly.

He pushed his chair away from the table and walked to a large china cabinet on the  
opposite wall. He reached for another chair and pulled it over. Standing on the chair, he  
felt behind the decorative molding that ran along the top of the hutch. When he pulled his  
hand back he was holding a long cylindrical container with a metal top. He dusted the  
container off with his shirt, placed it on the table and pried off the lid. Reaching inside he  
pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. He turned back to the hutch and removed two short  
cocktail glasses from inside and set them next to the bottle.

"She never found this one," he laughed bitterly.

He pulled the chair he had been standing on back around and sat down and eyed the  
amber liquid. He slid the glass and the bottle towards the captain.

"Have one," he offered. "I'm sure you could use one. You look like hell,"

Montgomery grabbed the bottle and the glass and pulled them closer before spoke.  
There was nothing more he could do here. He needed to leave. He needed to leave  
and let this man start grieving the loss of his daughter. That would never happen as  
long as he remained.

"Kate was like a daughter to me," he confessed as he stood up. "I've watched her  
grow these past few years into the woman she was meant to be. If you want to know  
her as I did, you can ask me any time day or night," he pulled a card from his wallet and  
slid it across the table, "… call me."

He grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels from the table and replaced it with the watch that  
he'd been holding. He headed for the door before the man could object. As he closed the  
front door, he never thought he would be relieved to hear someone crying. Back in the car,  
Montgomery took her father up on the drink that was offered.


	5. Revelations

**Revelations**

Lanie stared out the rain streaked window of the limo and wondered if she had the  
strength to make it through. The finality of the day ahead made it seem all but  
impossible, but she knew she would make it; she had to be there to stand by her  
girl one last time. She thought of Kate and of all the revelations her passing had  
thrust into her life. Some were life altering and others comforting.

Death visited her every day, horrific or mundane in its cause, but never once during  
her job as medical examiner had she considered the bodies on her slab as anything  
more than corpses. It took her friends deaths for her to realize that each body she  
touched had touched someone else. That each death affected others in ways she  
would never know. Her tiny world had changed forever and never again would she  
view her work at the morgue in the same way.

Lanie shuddered at the imagery of death swirling in her head. Her hand sought out  
consolation. She looked to Javier as he eased his head back into the seat next to  
her and closed his eyes. He was doing it again. She'd noticed lately how he tried  
to carry everyone's burden. She wouldn't burden him further. Taking his hand in  
hers, she rested her head on his shoulder and tried to give what little comfort she  
could. She found her own solace in remembering the discovery she had made about  
her best friend, the suprising discovery that made her smile as much as it made her cry.


	6. Solace

**Solace**

The past week was a difficult one for Lanie and having Javier to lean on had been  
a comfort. She could only imaging how she would have coped on her own. It would  
have probably involved a lot of drinking, bar hopping and waking up next to a  
nameless stranger in her bed. She was glad those days were over.

The tragedy had caused her relationship with Javier to take a sudden turn. He had  
stayed at her place the first few nights for mutual comfort, but he had remained out  
of need. They needed each other. They needed the open loving relationship that  
their friends had failed to find.

The first few days at home she spent crying and clinging to him. By the third day she  
was missing Kate terribly and needed to be close to her again. She changed out of  
the pajamas she had been living in and slipped into her street clothes. Grabbing her  
purse, she stopped at her dresser long enough to pull a solitary key from the top  
drawer. Javier was surprised when she walked into the living room looking like she  
was dressed to go somewhere.

"Hey baby, where you goin'?"

She glanced at him, trying to contain a fresh batch of tears. "I'm going to her place."

"You don't want to go there; it'll only make it worse."

"I have to, I miss her so much. I need to be there…in her home, to feel her around me,"  
her tears were loose again.

"Don't," he begged. Just stay here with me, it'll be ok."

"No, I have to go…please…I have to," her eyes pleaded and his heart broke.

"Ok, but I'm taking you."

Lanie nodded in agreement and waited while he changed his clothes.

…

The cool fall air slapped her face as she stepped out of the warm building and onto the  
sidewalk. Javier wrapped one arm around her shoulder to protect her from the chill and  
signaled for a cab with the other. They arrived at Kate's building after a short trip and  
headed upstairs. As they exited the elevator, she noticed an echoing silence as they  
made their way to her door. It would sound the same inside. She unlocked the door,  
hesitating before she crossed the threshold. Javier was behind her and he reached up  
and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm right behind you."

As she entered into the living room her hand flew to her mouth to stifle a small cry. Her  
feelings overwhelmed her. She made her way to the couch to sit down for a moment.  
She noticed a magazine lying open on the coffee table, a moment in time interrupted.  
Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to come over, she was sure to fine more moments  
as she wandered around. She was content to remain on the couch in Javier's arms until  
she could find the courage to continue.

When her need for Kate returned, she asked Javier to wait for her while she went into the  
bedroom. She wanted to be alone, just her and her girl. She lay down on Kate's bed and  
had another cry. It felt good, as if she were sharing her grief with her absent friend.  
Finally spent of tears, she sat up wiped her damp cheeks.

As she stood up to return to the living room, she stumbled over something next to the  
bedside. She looked down to see what see what she had stepped on and discovered  
a pair of shoes. Not just any shoes, but a pair of men's shoes.

It took her a moment for her brain to put this information into some kind of context. What  
were men's shoes doing in Kate's apartment? Josh was the last man she'd dated and that  
was over, ages ago. Kate had always told her everything. Maybe it was just a quick fling  
and the shoes were forgotten. Maybe, or maybe not, she couldn't leave it unanswered.  
She looked around the room for more clues. Something on top of the dresser caught her  
eye, cufflinks. She made her way over and put her hands on the knobs of the top drawer.  
She felt a little uneasy looking through Kate's things, but she had to know if there had been  
someone in her life. If there was, he needed to be told what happened.

She slid out the short top drawer. I held mostly jewelry and photos. She continued to the  
next drawer down and pulled it open. She was surprised to find men's boxers neatly folded  
and nestled next to Kate's underwear. That meant this man was important. In all the years  
she had known Kate, she had never made a place in her home for one of her boyfriends.  
She lacked the commitment. Who was this man?

Lanie was beginning to feel a little hurt. She was the one friend that Kate had trusted with  
her private life. Why had she shut her out this time? She was determined to find out.

Her investigation led her to Kate's closet. She opened the door and her eyes were immediately  
drawn to several men's suits hanging among her clothes. For a moment, she doubted her eyes.  
She doubted the fact that her eyes recognized them. She pushed back one of the suits so  
that she could see the label. _Fioravanti, New York_ was stitched into the neckline. There was only  
one person she knew that could afford a three thousand dollar hand made suit and it was the  
last persons clothes she expected to find in Kate's closet. As she backed away in shock she  
noticed more men's dress shoes and tennis shoes at the bottom of the closet. She let out a cry  
of joy, shock, surprise and confusion that brought Javier running in from the living room.

"What's wrong?"

He saw her standing there, eyes wide with her hand to her mouth. She was pointing. He followed  
her hand and her gaze and found himself baffled by what he was seeing.

"Aren't those...isn't that…don't those belong to…"

"Yes, they are." Lanie said quietly, as if any loud noise might wake her from the dream she was having.

She needed more confirmation, so she quickly headed for the bathroom with Javier on her heels.  
There on the counter she found two toothbrushes in the holder. She opened the medicine cabinet  
and there on the third shelf from the top she found men's deodorant, shaving cream, a razor and  
a bottle of cologne. She pulled the expensive looking bottle from the shelf and opened it. It was him.  
It was that distinctive smell that fragranced the morgue every time he arrived. She stood there,  
transfixed by the memories the scent evoked, so real and vivid as they emerged genie like from the  
bottle. She stood there lost in her memories. Eventually, Javier took the bottle gently from her hand,  
replaced the top, returned it to the shelf and closed the cabinet door. He led her back into the  
bedroom and she wandered over to where her discoveries had started. She looked down the shoes  
and then at the nightstand next to the bed, on it was a pen and a legal pad filled with writing. She  
read a little of what was written and then looked at Javier.

"It's Nikki Heat. It's his next story," she could only stand there, dumbfounded. Javier was still having  
trouble putting his question into a coherent sentence.

"When did they…how did they…why didn't we know?" He shook his head in disbelief. Looking at Lanie,  
he saw that she was smiling and crying at the same time. He reached for her and they laughed and  
cried together. They never imagined that today would be a good day.


	7. Repercussions

**Repercussions**

His first limo ride was supposed to have been two months from now, to the premier of  
Nikki Heat. He could just imagine stepping out onto the red carpet, the flash of the  
cameras blinding him and the noise making his head spin. His second ride would have  
been to the after party to enjoy the laughter and camaraderie of his friends and all  
the free booze he could handle. The third time would have been the early morning  
ride home, to stagger into bed, reliving the nights moments until drunkenness over-  
took his ramblings and he passed out in Jenny's arms. What a night that would have  
been. That would never happen, not now. This was his first ride and it wasn't to a  
party. He was sure his forefathers would disagree. They would probably tell him that  
Irish wakes made for the best parties. He was jostled from his thoughts when the limo  
hit a pothole as it slowly made the turn onto Jamaica Avenue. Not much further now.

Sitting on the black leather seats opposite his friends, he watched as Lanie held Javier's  
hand and rested her head on his shoulder. He was glad they were able to comfort one  
another. Jenny tried to do the same for him but she didn't have the connection they did.  
He didn't hold it against her. She tried hard to share his grief and he loved her for that,  
but it wasn't the same. During that first long week at home, he'd let his grief turn inward  
till it became a simmering anger. The revelation of what was found at Kate's apartment  
tempered it…for a while. His thoughts drifted again, back to the first day they returned  
to work, their first day back since…since forever. He was still shocked by what he'd done.


	8. Change

**Change**

It was Monday morning and Kevin Ryan knew the first day back to work would be the  
worst. He was in no hurry to get there. He hit the snooze button on his alarm three  
times, getting up only after a lot of persistent nagging from Jenny. He stayed in the  
shower till he used up all the hot water and was driven out by the cold. He professed  
to have misplaced his wallet. Jenny found it minutes later between the cushions of the  
couch; she didn't ask him how it had gotten there. She finally managed to shove him  
out the front door and he stood there…forever. It was the rain that forced him into his  
car.

He arrived twenty minutes late. Nobody cared. It seems there were several people late  
that morning. As he exited the elevator into the bullpen, the sight and smell overwhelmed  
him. He could see it from across the room; a growing tribute had been left on and around  
Kate's desk. Flowers, cards, stuffed animals and photos were mounded on the desk, in the  
chairs and on the ground. The perfume from the flowers affronted his senses. He wanted  
to turn and run. How was he supposed to work with that, with that glaring reminder in his  
face and nose all day? He felt his anger beginning to rise. Flowers and cards would never  
fix this, they just made it worse. What idiot, for one moment, believed that a cute stuffed  
teddy bear could make it all better?

He pulled his chair out roughly from his desk and sat down. At least his desk faced away  
from hers and he wouldn't have to look at it all day. The smell was another thing. Maybe  
they'd get lucky with an early morning call then he could find ways to stay gone all day,  
maybe for several. Until then, he dug into the paperwork that he'd abandoned on his desk  
last week. He logged his hand written case notes into the proper reports, signed forms  
that needed to be signed and filed away any stray papers. As he worked, he noticed that  
something was beginning to grate on his nerves. It would come and go. He narrowed it  
down to a sound. The sound would start off low, like a hum and then build to a noisy  
crescendo. What the hell was that? It would be gone, only to return a few minutes later,  
sometimes ten. His conscious mind was slow to react; only noticing most of the time as  
the sound peaked. By the time his ire had risen and he looked around for the offending  
sound, it would stop. He was about to throw his pen down in anger when Javier appeared  
beside his desk.

"Hey bro, sorry I missed you earlier, Captain had me in his office."

"Oh yeah, so what's up?" Ryan asked, looking up at his partner.

"That's what I'm here to talk to you about." He said as he sat in the chair next to Ryan's  
desk. He sat, but said nothing.

"So spill, it can't be that bad, we've already been there done that." Ryan said tersely,  
giving a little laugh at the end of his request.

Javier looked at his friend and wondered why he was being so morose. He let it slide;  
better to get this over with quickly.

"Captain promoted me to lead Detective."

"Congrats."

"Look, I didn't ask for this. He said it had to be done and that he only chose me  
because of seniority." Javier still felt guilty.

"It's ok; it had to happen sooner or later. Today is just sooner than I would have expected."

"Tell me about it. I was shocked when he told me."

Ryan noticed the look of guilt on his friends face and tried to talk him through it.

"Congratulations anyway; seniority or not, you are the best man for the job."

"Thanks bro, I appreciate that."

So, anybody drop?" Ryan asked hopefully, he still wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Unfortunately no, just paper work this morning." He pushed out of the chair. "Be right  
back," he said as he strode off towards the break room.

Ryan sat there and wondered if he could make it until lunch. Three more hours, what  
the hell was he going to do for three more hours? And even if he made it that far,  
there was still four more before he could go home. He needed to think of something…  
what…what would keep him busy all day. Ah…a cold case, that's it! He would pull up  
one of their unsolved cases and...and there was that damn noise again! The more he  
heard it the more familiar it was beginning to sound. He couldn't tell what pissed him  
off more, the sound or his inability to remember what the sound was. He was determined  
to figure it out. It came as a surprise when he did and he stood up so fast that he  
almost toppled his chair over.

He remembered. How could he have forgotten that sound? Maybe he was blocking it  
out, there were so many memories attached to that sound and the machine that made  
it. His anger flared again. 'How could they…,' he turned around quickly to head for the  
break room and ran into Javier as he returned holding two steaming cups of coffee.

"Whoa, slow down bro, I got yours!" Javier warned as coffee sloshed over the edges  
of the cups.

He shoved a cup into Ryan's hands and carried his to his desk. He settled into his  
chair and as he leaned back to take his first sip he noticed Ryan still standing where  
he had left him.

"Hey!" Javier called out trying to get his attention. The next thing he heard was the  
sound of shattering ceramic as Ryan's cup of coffee crashed to the floor.

"Butterfingers," Javier laughed, but his laughter was short lived. Ryan still hadn't moved.

Javier lurched up from his chair and moved to his partner's side. What he saw scared him.  
Ryan's anger filled eyes were staring off towards the break room and the hands that had  
held his coffee cup were shaking.

"Hey, what's…?" He tried to ask what was wrong, but could only watch as Ryan walked  
off down the aisle across the bullpen.

"Ryan!" He yelled again, as his friend disappeared down the far hallway. He could only  
stand there shaking his head as others in the bullpen watched on.

"I guess I'll clean this up." he mumbled to himself and headed to the break room for  
some paper towels.

He was coming out of the break room and was almost knocked over by Ryan coming in.  
He looked back into the room.

"I got it," he said, before he noticed what Ryan was carrying.

He was carrying a baseball bat. What the hell was he doing with a baseball bat? He started  
to step back inside the break room to find out what was going on when Ryan took his first  
swing. The white ceramic coffee cups stacked on the counter shattered into hundreds of  
pieces and flew across the room and out the door sending Javier ducking for cover "Shit!"  
He said as he hit the floor. The smashing noises coming from the break room increased and  
others in the office ran to help Javier to his feet and to watch the unfolding scene.

Captain Montgomery raced from his office with his weapon drawn not knowing what was  
going on, Javier stayed his hand to protect his friend. All they could do was watch.

The lump of metal on the counter no longer resembled a cappuccino machine. Pieces lay  
on the floor, some embedded in the wall. The merciless beating continued while Ryan cursed  
the machine and the world. He only stopped when his wooden bat broke in two. He let it  
drop to the floor and stood there breathing heavily as he stared at the misshapen object.  
He then reached up, grabbed the abused machine with both hands and wrenched it off the  
counter. The ensuing crash was heard one floor below. Ryan's grief driven anger slowly began  
to abate and he looked over at all his colleagues standing at he break room door.

"Machines broken," was all he said as he exited the room. No one tried to stop him; they made  
a hole as he headed for the stairwell and watched silently as the door closed behind him.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" Montgomery spoke up, trying to add some levity to what just happened.

People chuckled and began to disperse. Javier made for the stairwell but the Captain stopped him.

"Let him go. You can check on him later."

…..

Later is what he did. He pulled up outside Ryan's place around eleven o'clock that night.

He knocked. Jenny answered the door and ushered him inside. He found Ryan sitting in his  
boxers and a t-shirt, drinking a beer and watching Letterman.

"Get dressed, we got somthin' to do." He ordered.

"Have a beer and join me instead," Ryan offered as an alternative.

"I'll take the beer," he said as he grabbed the one Ryan was holding. He took along swig and  
reached over to turn off the TV.

"Let's go," he ordered again.

Ryan knew better than to try and argue with Esposito. He headed to the bedroom and threw  
on some sweats. They were out the door in five minutes. When he found himself being taken  
back to the station he looked over at Javier.

"You bringing me back to clean up the mess?" He asked.

"No, that's been taken care of already. This is something I think we need to do before we can  
get back to work."

They were met in the bullpen by a worker from Maintenance and Janitorial.

"Everything you need is in the freight elevator. When you're done just put it all back in the  
elevator and we'll get it in the morning," the man said.

"Thanks, appreciate you staying late," Javier said as he shook the man's hand.

Left alone, Javier took Ryan to the freight elevator and opened the door. Inside were two  
large flat carts stacked with and assortment of empty crates.

"Grab one," he told Ryan as he grabbed the first cart and trundled it out into the bullpen.  
Ryan followed with the second one. He caught up to Javier, his cart stopped in front of  
Kate's desk.

"What are we doing?" He asked.

"We're moving all of this," he said waving his arm out over Kate's desk.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, you were the only one brave enough to point it out today. None of us want the  
reminders here, but no one wanted to be the one to say anything. I think we all thought  
it would make us look weak if we did."

"I didn't plan on that." Ryan said. "It just sort of happened."

"It's cool bro, let's get to work. I'm going to clean out Kate's desk and take her things  
down to the morgue for Lanie to sort through tomorrow. I need you to take all these cards  
and flowers and stuff downstairs. We're going to set up this memorial near the front entrance."

"Ok."

Javier made quick work of the contents of Kate's desk. He didn't want to spend time going  
through her things, so he pulled out the drawers and unceremoniously dumped their contents  
into the cardboard file boxes that he had put together. Finished, he stacked them atop one  
another and carried them to the morgue. When he returned, he helped Ryan finish loading the  
items for the memorial. They filled both carts.

There were several tables already set up for them when they arrived downstairs. They took  
their time arranging the display, reading all the cards and taping pictures to the wall. They  
shared a laugh over a picture of a young looking Beckett all shiny and new in her patrol uniform.  
They wondered who managed to get their hands on a picture Kate would have killed to hide.  
Ryan turned it over to see if anything was written on the other side. They were both surprised  
at what they read. _To the best dad in the world! Thanks for your support, Love Kate. _Her dad  
must have come by the precinct and left it while they had been off. They made it he centerpiece  
of the wall collage. They finished downstairs and rolled the empty carts back to the elevator.  
They had one last job to do.

They upended Kate's desk and set it on one of the carts. A little long for the cart, it wanted to  
teeter off the edge. They had to use both carts to hold it. They grabbed Kate and Rick's chairs  
and tossed them on top of the desk. Ryan started to push his end of the cart towards the freight  
elevator, but Javier stopped his progress.

"Wait."

He replaced Kate's desk chair with his and swapped Ryan's interview chair with Rick's chair.

"Ok," was all he said, and they maneuvered the carts to the freight elevator, pushed and pulled  
them inside and shut the door. They returned to the empty space in the bullpen.

"Give me a hand." Javier asked as he walked to his desk.

They pushed his desk just past the space that Kate's had occupied. They went after Ryan's desk  
next and butted the two together. Javier slid Kate's chair under his desk and positioned Rick's chair  
next to Ryan's desk. Now they were done. He headed to the break room to grab a couple of beers,  
and Ryan went to grab his desk chair.

Handing his partner a beer, Javier sat down in his _new_ chair. Ryan pulled Rick's chair next to Javier's  
desk and sat. He raised his bottle in rememberance.

"To dear friends," he toasted with a smile, Javier smiled back as their bottled clinked together.

As Javier moved a hand under his seat to adjust the height of his chair, Ryan quipped.

"Remember how Kate used to bust Rick's chops for adjusting her chair."

"Yeah."

"You better be careful she doesn't come back to haunt you for sitting in it."

"Then I better give her good reason to come back," he said as he let one rip.

"Dude, I can't believe you just farted in Beckett's chair!"

"I bet Rick's rolling around laughing at that one."

"You think?"

"Duh!"

"Pull my finger," Ryan said, pointing his index finger at his friend. "Kate needs a good laugh too."

He pulled Ryan's index finger and a fart blasted Rick's chair. They burst out laughing and laughed  
into the night as they got drunk and spent the rest of the evening remembering some of their  
favorite moments with Mom and Dad.


	9. Journeys

**Journeys**

Martha sat quietly with Alexis on the black leather seats of the lead limo as the long  
procession of vehicles slowly made its way through the streets of New York. She  
noticed that the cloudy morning weather was quickly deteriorating into a depressingly  
grey mist. She thought it was fitting; it was just the kind of somber atmosphere he  
would have written into one of his books. She sighed and looked to Alexis. She was  
sitting stoically next to her, but the mixed look of fear and dread on her face was easy  
to see.

Was it fear of the future, of today or of that "undiscovered country" Shakespeare  
described so succinctly and to which her father would never return? The finality of the  
day would surely reopen their wounds and bring forth a new bounty of tears. She  
wanted to keep her focus on Alexis to help her through the day ahead, but her thoughts  
kept drifting to her son.

She wondered if he had been shocked in his last moments at the ending life had chosen  
to write for him, or did he think it coincidental…after all, surprise and revelation were his  
forte. He had managed to surprise everyone with the revelation of his relationship with  
Kate. Looking back, she still wondered how he managed to keep it a secret for so long.  
It gave her some measure of comfort to know he had finally found what he had been  
seeking all his life, true happiness. The certainty of his happiness was revealed to her  
when she discovered his final surprise.


	10. Loss & Love

**Loss and Love**

The apartment was deathly quiet. Martha was sitting in the same spot on the couch  
where she had received the heart wrenching news. She couldn't seem to get past that  
spot. That place on the couch represented what had been, the rest of the apartment  
contained what was to be, a profound emptiness. How could she look into his bedroom  
and not see his bed unmade and not smell the lingering scent of his cologne. How could  
she pass by his office and never again hear the clicking sound of his fingers tapping out  
words on his laptop. How could she go on? She lifted the drink she was cradling in her hands  
to her lips as a silent tear slid down her bare face. She knew she had to pull herself  
together, if not for her own sake, then for Alexis'. She was young and still had her whole  
life ahead of her…a life without her dad. She drank more of the mind numbing liquid in  
an effort to forget as a second tear spilled from her lash and quickly joined the first.

Alexis had all but shut down that first day. She wouldn't speak to anyone, let alone come out of her  
room. Meredith and Gina had both taken turns trying to coax her out, but had given up  
by the third day. She would only sneak out of her room at night when the apartment  
was dark and she couldn't see the reminders of him. She would grab something to eat  
and drink and then quickly hurry back to the solitary confines of her room. There she  
could pretend everything was normal. But it wasn't, it wasn't normal to cry herself to  
sleep every night. She wondered when would it stop? When would it ever stop?

The next morning Martha went to check on her granddaughter and found her gone.  
She didn't think, she just let panic take over as she frantically searched the house  
before finding her in the last place she'd thought to look, her sons room. She was  
sleeping peacefully, clutching his pillow to her chest. Martha lay down next to her  
granddaughter and soon found herself pulled into the same peaceful slumber. Time  
was beginning to work its magic and when they awoke they made their first tentative  
venture back into the world and headed downstairs together. They were sitting at  
the bar sharing an apple when Gina arrived.

"How are you two today?" She asked as she set her purse on the counter.

"Better," Martha replied as she turned her attention to making them some coffee.

"It's good to see you out Alexis," Gina said as she embraced her with a quick hug  
and a kiss to the forehead.

"Thanks Gina, I finally had a good nights sleep."

"I'm glad to hear that. You know I worry about you. So please, if there is anything  
you need, you'll let me know?"

"I will."

Gina made her way over to Martha. She noticed that she seemed to be having  
trouble making the coffee.

"Can I help?" She asked.

"I can't seem to get these damn filters apart," she found herself becoming  
flustered over the simplest thing.

"Here let me." Gina took the filters from Martha's hands, pulled them apart and set  
one into the basket on the counter. She encouraged Martha to sit and finished  
making the coffee for her. She then joined them at the bar and they all sat in an  
awkward silence. No one was able to start a conversation that didn't center on Rick.  
He had been their world and without him there wasn't much left to talk about. The  
only thing they had in common now was their grief.

Gina stood and put her hand on Alexis' arm. "I'm gonna go to your dad's office.  
There are arrangements that need to be made…so I have to go through his things,"  
she said as gently as she could. "Martha…could you join me, I may need your help."

Alexis and Martha both nodded as they tried to contain their tears once again. Gina  
poured two cups of coffee, handed one to Martha and then headed for the office.  
She noticed when Martha stopped at the wet bar and filled her cup with a generous  
dose of Irish crème. Some things never change. She sighed heavily as she entered  
the office.

She was glad that she had no memories in this apartment. Rick had moved here after  
they'd divorced. Fresh start, he'd said. That and he needed more room to give him  
some distance from his mother once he'd agreed to let her move in. If his mother had  
been living with them back then, they would have probably divorced a lot sooner than  
they had. She liked Martha well enough, but her flamboyant ways would irritate her  
at times, not to mention her predilection for men and alcohol. She was always amazed  
that Rick had turned out to be so unlike his mother. He could be flamboyant at times  
but it was all an act that he had learned from her. Everything about him was an act really.  
She knew all he ever really wanted was to have that stereotypical home and family that  
he had been denied as a child. He was a wonderful Mr. Mom. She had loved him, but  
could never offer him that. She had been willing to try at first, but once they found out  
she couldn't have children she had secretly been relieved. She never wanted to be a  
mother; she wanted her career. So, when he tried to talk her into adoption she had  
resisted. Their marriage had been doomed from the start. After their divorce she noticed  
that he had given up on his dream. He adopted his mother's persona and the playboy  
Rick Castle began to fill the hole in his life with toys, women and alcohol.

But she had noticed the change in him last summer, the playboy was gone and the man  
with a dream had returned. She was flattered when he had reached out to her. Even  
though time had passed, she still couldn't offer him what he needed. Arguments were  
the least of their problems and she was relieved when he had ended it. She knew there  
was something fueling this need for change in his life and that something came in the  
form of Kate Beckett. She wasn't blind. Research indeed, he'd never spent more than  
two months researching any of the countless number of books he'd written. Kate was  
a strong willed woman who lived in the same world of death and mystery that consumed  
his writing. They were meant for each other, why it took them so long to see it she couldn't  
understand. At least they had found each other in the end, and what an end. She found  
herself crying…more for their loss and not for hers. She wiped her tears away as Martha  
entered the office.

"I know the combination to his safe but I don't know where it is," she said looking for  
Martha's help.

"It's behind the black and white picture to the right of the desk." She was standing in  
front of the desk and pointed at the brick wall to her right.

Gina went over and removed the picture from the ledge that it rested on. The combination  
was the publish date of his first book, she entered it into the electronic keypad and opened  
the door. She began pulling out papers and setting them on the desk. It was a deep safe  
and the low lighting in his office made it hard to see inside and she felt them before she  
saw them, two small black boxes sitting to one side. She took them out along with the  
remaining papers and added it all to the growing pile. She was mainly focused on finding  
his insurance policy and his will, so as she perused through the pile she pushed the small  
boxes and any other unimportant papers aside.

It was Martha who noticed the boxes. They were two identical boxes both marked _Cartier.  
_Curiosity got the best of her and she reached down and picked one up. Definitely jewelry  
boxes, but when did he buy these and why? She pulled off the top and upended the bottom  
to allow the black velvet box inside to fall into her hand. Her hands began to tremble as  
she opened it. Inside she found a two carat white cushion diamond mounted on an  
exquisitely crafted platinum band. It was an engagement ring. She was stunned. She quickly  
set it down and opened the other box. Inside it were two simple yellow gold wedding bands.  
She let out a small cry that caught Gina's attention.

"What is it?" She asked as she saw tears slip down Martha face.

She pulled the smaller band out of its holder and held it up.

"Its wedding rings," she held it out to Gina and she took hold of the ring. They both stared  
at the rings, too shocked to say anything. It was Gina who broke the silence.

"There's an inscription on this band, it says _Always."_

Martha lost it again and Gina stood to help her into a chair. The revelation and Martha's  
grief began to make her cry. The sound of the two women crying brought Alexis  
in from the kitchen.

"Gina, what's wrong?"

"We found something in your dad's safe," she replied as she wiped the tears from her face.

Gina took the box from Martha and placed the ring she was holding back into the slot next  
to its mate. She handed the black velvet box to Alexis. When she saw what it was, her tears  
soon joined theirs. She hugged her grandmother and asked the question they all were thinking.

"Oh Gram, why did he wait so long?"

"I don't know honey?"

"Do you think she knew?"

"I'm sure she does now," she replied softly as they held on to each other. "I'm sure she does now."


	11. The Procession

**The Procession**

Everything grew quite as the procession of matching limos and mismatched cars slowly  
crept by. They turned in a graceful arc and passed through the heavy wrought iron  
gates that were thrown open like a pair of arms, beckoning for visitors to come in and  
join those that were already inside. He glanced into his rear view mirror to see if the kids  
had fallen asleep. They always seemed to fall asleep in their car seats the moment before  
they arrived at their destination. But this time, they were watching the procession with  
the same quiet reverence of their parents.

He waited a few minutes after the last car had passed before he followed. He was  
relieved to see that the procession had veered off to the left. Turning to the right,  
he wound his way down the road, past the hundreds of old weathered headstones  
that stood in testimony to the civil war dead. Looking at them,he couldn't help but  
wonder about the day, years from now, when his friends would join their ranks,  
when their headstone would become old and weathered and their existence would  
only be remembered by a passing grounds keeper or the occasional squirrel as it  
tried to hide a nut where granite met the ground.

Parking against the curb as they reached their destination, Javier Esposito mirrored  
his wife as he exited the vehicle. Opening the rear passenger door, he leaned into  
the back and began unbuckling the harness that held his son into his car seat. With  
practiced experience, Lanie quickly freed their three year old daughter from her seat  
and lifted her out. She swung the toddler onto her left hip and paced beside the car  
while she waited for her husband to finish his job.

His four year old son was struggling to get out before the last button was pushed,  
making a difficult job of a simple task.

"Hold still a second, will ya?" He could command his team of detectives, but he couldn't  
seem to get his child to listen.

Lanie just shook her head as she watched this same scenario that played itself out  
every morning and evening to and from day care. She hoped one day they would  
come to an understanding and get out of the car without her having to intervene.

"If you two don't stop fooling around, we're going without you!" She made a move  
to walk away. Her threat stilled the squirming boy and the final coupling was freed.

Defiantly independent, his son refused any assistance and in one fluid motion slid  
backwards out of the seat. He tumbled out the door and was off and running to his  
mother lest he be left behind. As he closed the door, Javier looked over the top of the  
car to the rise of the ground where his wife and kids were waiting. The eye roll that  
Lanie gave him reminded him of why they were there.

It was five years to the day.

* * *

_Authors note: I bet it seems like five years since I posted the last chapter to this story.  
Sorry, but my muse on this one had left me and it returned only yesterday after the death  
of my grandfather. There is only one long chapter left. It will explore what has passed  
for friends and family since that tragic day, and it will end, as life does, by coming full circle._


	12. Remembrance

**Remembrance**

Lanie watched as Javier reached back into the driver's side of the car. This was a pilgrimage  
they made several times a year. Sure, it had been five years, but those two had been such  
a force in their lives that they had a hard time letting go. Hell, they'd probably never let go,  
she knew she wouldn't. Kate had been her best friend, her only girl friend, and losing her  
had left a hole that could never be filled by anyone else, not even him. Marriage and the  
kids had become her world now and they, along with her work, kept her busy and her mind  
off her loss. Time did heal all wounds, and she found herself hurting less and less every year,  
but it never stopped her from thinking about what might have been.

The 'what ifs' for her started days after their deaths when she received an unexpected call  
from Castle's mother asking her to come by the loft; the last thing she expected when she  
arrived were the two gold bands that Martha placed into her hand. They had been so close.  
So close to a life of love and happiness…and no one even knew. Martha asked if it could be  
arranged to have the bands buried with them. Lanie choked out a yes as she was overwhelmed  
by tears.

That first, 'what if' had her and Javier eloping two months later. Waiting was overrated, weddings  
were overrated. Love was not. Even waiting to have kids was not an option. They wanted it all  
and they wanted it now, and they never regretted a day. She only wished that her girl had been  
there to share it all with her as two married women. She would have brought her kids over for a  
play date and they would have sat around laughing about the latest inane things that their  
husbands had done. That would have been great._ If only._

Javier joined her at the crest of the hill. Lanie lightened her load and put her daughter down. Now  
that they were far enough from the road, it was safe to let her loose. The toddlers ran off, playing  
their usual game of chase among the weathered headstones as they led the way to their destination.  
They were off to visit Aunt Kate and Uncle Rick, but they only saw it as the place where they could  
run free and not get in trouble. Lanie reached for Javier's hand as their destination came into view.

Rick had made provisions for his family years ago when he had been married to Meredith and Alexis  
was just a baby. Plots had been purchased and forgotten. Gina found them when she had been going  
through his papers. Six adjoining plots, the man with almost no family had obviously wanted a large  
one. When knowledge of their relationship and possible marriage came to light, their parents were  
both in agreement; they should be buried together.

The massive rectangular headstone was arched along the top and the black and white speckled granite  
still gleamed in its newness, even after five years. The sight of it always brought tears to her eyes. It  
looked like a giant oppressive weight trapping them to the earth. She liked their memorial, but damn,  
she was going to be cremated. There'd be no rock and earth to hold her down. She thought the same  
thing at every visit and she made sure Javier knew her wishes. She let go of his hand to pull a wad of  
tissues from her purse. As she dabbed her eyes she looked down at the mementos scattered on and  
around the base of the headstone. Rick's side was littered with pens, books and letters from adoring  
readers and Kate's side, well…Kate's side always made her want to laugh. Nobody had planned it;  
nothing was ever said among the other detectives at the precinct, but somehow her side was always  
littered with coffee cups. Tall paper ones, short foam ones, ceramic ones with the NYPD logo on the side,  
all filled with coffee. She watched as Javier added the one he was carrying to the group.

Now that her eyes no longer shimmered with tears, she could clearly read the inscription that they had  
all approved.

_Here lie two of New York's Finest. Partners in life, together forever in death._

They had all laughed as they sat around the table in Castle's loft and listened as Martha joked how Richard  
would have written something more descriptive and long winded but that Kate would have nixed his idea  
by telling him that he was being a pompous blowhard. Less was more they all agreed, and those few words  
said it all.

Lanie found her reverie broken by the sound of running feet and the panting breath of a small toe headed  
boy running up the hill towards her. A man's voice called out from the bottom of the hill.

"Jonathan Castle Ryan, I told you to wait by the car!"

They both looked down the hill to watch as Kevin helped his very pregnant wife from their car, she was due  
at the end of the month.

Lanie nudged her husband. "Well, don't just stand there, go and give him a hand."

"Yes, dear."

She watched as Javier hurried to Kevin's side and took the few items he was struggling to carry as he helped  
his wife up the hill. She empathized with Jenny, especially since the woman was carrying twins. Hell, carrying  
one at a time was hard enough, she could never imagine having to lug around two at once.

"Girl!" Lanie called out. "What are you doing here? You should be at home off your feet! Kevin, what do think  
you're doing dragging her out here?"

"Hey! She insisted!"

"Cut him some slack Lanie… I wanted to come." Jenny managed to huff out between breaths as she drew closer.  
Lanie gave her a hug before continuing her reproach.

"You don't even need to be making such a long drive in your condition; you're about ready to pop any day now."

"That's the reason I came. I'll be staying at my parents till I'm due. My doctor is in the city and I don't want to go  
into labor at the winery. The closest hospital to us is in Pughkeepsie and I probably wouldn't make it there in time,  
and I am not giving birth in the back of one of the work vans."

"Well that's good to hear. Kevin, you make sure you call us when it's time. We want to be there."

"You'll be the second ones I call. What?" He replied to Lanie's glare. "I'd like to call my parents first, if that's ok?"

"That's fine bro." Javier reassured him as he bent down and placed the coffee cup he'd taken from Kevin next to his.  
"So, you bring another bottle this year?" He asked, lifting up the bag he was holding.

"This year I brought a non-alcoholic bottle so that Jenny could still share in the toast."

"Non-alcoholic wine, isn't that called grape juice?" Javier teased, handing him the bottle from the bag.

"I'll have you know…"

"Luis, Kaitlin and John-John! You three better come back where we can see you!"

Lanie's yell to the children who had run off too far from their parents interrupted all conversation. With all eyes now  
upon them, they reluctantly returned to play nearby. Javier pulled a stack of plastic wine glasses from the bag and  
waited as Kevin uncorked the bottle. He was still amazed at his friend's new life. Castle's death had changed all their  
lives. He had left them all one final surprise.

* * *

_**Authors note: Boy, I didn't realize I had so many stories lingering in my computer. Now that I am not  
working 50 to 60 hours a week I have time to write so I am doing a little spring cleaning. I hope to  
finish all my open stories by this summer.**_

_**"Black and White" has one chapter and a brief epilogue left.**_

_**"The Grifter" is outlined and I have tentatively started the first chapter.**_

_**"The Tweleve Days of Castle" will be completed, but I will hold off till Christmas to repost it.**_

_**And I hope to finish up with "A Rodeo Clown" before the new season starts.**_

_**I also have a one shot that I have been sitting on called "Atlantic City" that I will be posting soon.**_

_**So stay tuned!**_


	13. Tomorrows

**Tomorrows**

Days passed into weeks and weeks passed into months. At the 12th, clearing the backlog of homicides accrued since that fateful day became the only thing holding the team together, or what was left of the team, as Esposito never failed to mention at least once a day. Sure, he and Ryan had always been partners, but partners attached to a larger team.

Since his days in the Army Special Forces, Esposito worked best as a team member, under a clearly defined command structure. Now there was no structure, no team.

He and Ryan were left to work on their own and unsupervised as Captain Montgomery sequestered himself in his office more and more every day. Everyone noticed. He seemed stricken, like a man holding on to a wish would never be granted, a promise that would never be fulfilled. It was obvious he no longer had the heart for the job; he lost it when he lost her.

While the Captain tried to hide his emotions away, Ryan could do little to contain his. He never fully excised the anger he vented that day in the break room. It festered just below the surface and gradually began to reappear in the interrogation room. Soon their partnership routine of "good cop-bad cop" became "bad cop-worse cop", and Esposito began to worry about his friend the day Ryan's forceful hand slap on the table became a slap to a suspects face. His friends needed help, but he didn't know where to turn.

….

Standing on the hill, sharing a toast with his friends, Esposito couldn't help but laugh when he remembered the day help arrived. He never thought it would arrive wearing a brightly colored floral silk dress, with pink Prada heels, a matching handbag, and bright orange lipstick.

…

He was surprised to see her at the precinct. The few times she'd been there before was when her son was in trouble. What trouble could there be now? She looked well. The last time he'd seen her, dressed in black on that somber day, she looked old and frail. Not today. Color was a constant companion for such a vivacious woman and she wore it well. So well in fact that he never noticed the man standing next to her, not until she introduced him. His introduction only posed more questions which she promised to explain once everyone was together.

Lanie, Ryan and Esposito were sitting in a mixture of chairs hastily pulled into Captain Montgomery's office. The impromptu meeting had everyone in the room wondering. When the man accompanying Martha introduced himself as Marcus Beechum, from the top law firm of Schwartz, Beechum and Klein, confused looks were shared. Captain Montgomery relinquished his desk to the lawyer when saw the man struggled to open and remove papers from a large portfolio he was carrying. They all waited in silence as he carefully arranged his papers on the desk. When the reason for the meeting was revealed, there was only more silence, and tears.

….

The last piece of paper the lawyer pulled from his portfolio was a yellow sheet of paper that was torn from a legal pad. It was the same piece of paper that Martha had discovered on her son's desk after her told her that it wasn't about the books anymore. It was the same piece of paper she later found tucked away in his safe. It definitely wasn't about the books anymore. It was about family. No, he wasn't married to Kate, and no, his friends at the 12th weren't blood relatives, but he considered them all family, and he always took care of family.

The lawyer informed them that the paper was a hand written codicil to Castles' will. A hand written, unsigned, not legally binding codicil to his will. The original will had been read and probated months earlier. The lawyer explained that he was there at Martha's request to legally fulfill all of Castle's final wishes.

Martha interrupted the lawyer, profusely apologizing for the month's long delay. She rambled on about deeds and titles and taxes, and spending so much time in the lawyers offices that she almost felt like wearing stark blue Jackets, pencil skirts and (gad!), pantyhose. Mr. Beechum managed to wrestle the conversation away from her and back to the task at hand. He said he would read Mr. Castle's list and then explain to each of them what would happen legally, and the papers they would have to sign. The four stacks of papers now sitting on the Captain's desk looked intimidating. No one spoke, so he began to read.

"I leave my house in the Hampton to Katherine Beckett." "The house is to be sold." "Half of the proceeds will go to Kate, to do with as she pleases, and the other half will go to the Johanna Beckett Scholarship fund."

"Ferrari to Javier Esposito."

"43ft Riviera Flybridge sport fishing boat goes to Roy Montgomery,"

"My sixty percent equity ownership of the Old Haunt to Lanie Parrish"

"Deed to my small start up winery "Northern Realms" to Kevin Ryan."

That was all, just a few scribbles on a piece of paper, made in the moment and put away for later. Esposito was sure that when Castle put his pen to that paper he never expected his few "simple" gifts would become an opportunity. They would become the way out that some of his friends so desperately needed.

….

Captain Montgomery was the first to seize that opportunity. He announced his retirement six weeks later. Ryan and Esposito were relieved. He never seemed to rebound from Kate's death and they both had begun to worry about his health. He actually looked happy at his retirement party when he announced that he was starting up a charter fishing service. The lines in his face had lessened and stood a few inches taller. His invisible burden seemed to be lifted.

His burden never lifted. He just managed to bury it again. At the first anniversary meeting at Beckett and Castle's graveside, they could all see he still carried it as he trudged up the hill towards them. The closer he got, the smaller he became. He stayed only a moment. Eyes red rimmed, he turned and walked away. He never made the yearly pilgrimage again. Esposito chartered Montgomery's boat a year later and when he had the man alone and far from the sight of land, he asked him why.

He felt his question strain their friendship. "I can't." It was the only thing Montgomery said for the rest of the trip. Back at the dock Esposito tried one last time. He stepped off the boat and turned to face his friend. "Whatever it is, I'm sure god will forgive you." Montgomery met his friends gaze. "It's not god's forgiveness that I need." After that encounter Montgomery's friendship dwindled to a yearly Christmas card. Sometimes, the only thing to do is to just let go.

…

Ryan was the next one to benefit from Castle's generosity. With new deed in hand Ryan and Jenny took a weekend road trip to visit their new winery. They quickly fell in love with the place. It seemed to be all that Ryan talked about at work. Vintages, tasting, bottle type, fermenting, the weather. His focus was barely on their cases anymore. After a late night on a particularly difficult case, Esposito was struggling to build theory with his partner, but all Ryan wanted to talk about was building a new row of arbors. That's when Esposito lost it and flippantly tossed off his loaded question. "Dude, why are you even working here anymore? Why don't you just quit and go work at your winery." He never expected his partners reply. "You know what? I think I will." Ryan turned in his papers the next day. What everyone at the precinct believed to be a rash decision, turned out to be the best decision of Kevin Ryan's life.

It was hard to stay angry with dirt on your hands, the rain on your face and new life sprouting forth from all your hard work. Ryan had found his peace. He still had plenty of stress. Money was tight the first few years and his livelihood was always at the mercy of nature's unpredictability. Too much water, not enough sun, drought, aphids, sure these were constant worries, but it was nothing compared to the banquet of death that had been served up to him on a daily basis while working homicide. He was glad those days were over. He could never thank Castle enough. He did try. He named his newest vintage of wine and his firstborn son after the man.

…..

It was Ryan's leaving, and not the Ferrari that prompted changes in Esposito's life. But, having the Ferrari definitely helped. He and Lanie enjoyed the car for first few months that they were married, but the novelty soon wore off. The car was all but forgotten as Esposito struggled to break in two rookie detectives. And when the reality of Lanie's pregnancy arrived, he knew things were never going to be the same. His old team was gone and what they had together could never be recreated. Work now only served to remind him of what he'd lost. It was time to move on. It was time to take the Captains exam and it was time to sell the Ferrari.

The Ferrari quickly became a mini van and a two story Victorian brownstone, and Captain Esposito could not have been happier. The proceeds from the car and the extra monthly income received from The Old Haunt made life comfortable enough for Lanie to be a stay at home mom when their daughter Kaitlin arrived. And when his son was born a year later, Esposito was proud to name him Luis Ricardo in honor of their dear friend and benefactor.

…..

The wine was almost gone, tears were starting to dry and the children were getting bored.

"Mom, can we go now?" "Mom…can we?" Kaitlin asked for the ump-teenth time.

Her pleading made little Luis afraid that he might be left behind, so he stood in front of his mother, quietly reaching upwards, begging to be held. She gave in and swung the boy on to her hip.

"Kaitlin, we're not leaving yet."

He daughter crossed her arms, and pouted, kicking at a pinecone as she turned tromped away. A few seconds later she was running off laughing as she and John-John played a game of "kick the pinecone" among the headstones and down the hill. Luis squirmed to be let down. Lanie sighed and put him back down, watching as he ran down the hill after his sister. Looking past the children to the bottom of the hill she noticed a car pulling in behind her mini van. She couldn't see the woman's face that exited the car and started to walk towards them, but she definitely recognized the long red hair.

"Alexis!" Lanie called out and waved and the others turned to look. Everyone called her name in surprise. The enthusiastic greeting had her running the rest of the way up the hill and into a bevy of hugs.

Lanie was the first to question her arrival. "Girl, what are you doing here? You said you were on shift today and that you couldn't get off."

"Well, when begging and pleading didn't work. I offered to trade my single shift for a double. The other interns were practically fighting each other to be able to trade with me."

"Oh, sweetie I'm sorry you had to do that." Lanie knew what a struggle it was for first year's to find sleep, much less any time off.

"I'm not." Alexis replied with a proud smile. "Nothing would make me miss this day."

Looking around at her extended family, Alexis noticed the empty wine bottle and empty glasses.

"It looks like you guys have been here a while. I just need a second Lanie, and we can all head back to your place for lunch."

The children heard the word lunch and each began rooting for their favorite food.

"Hot dogs, I want hot dogs" bellowed Kaitlin.

"Mac cheese, mac cheese!" Luis chimed in.

"Aww..dad not hot dogs." John-John whined. "I want peanut butter and jelly."

Lanie ignored their pleas. "Don't let them hurry you Alexis, take all the time you need."

Alexis gave Lanie another hug before heading to their memorial. She was glad her father had found love again in his life. She only wished he could have shared it with her. She had always shared everything in her life with her father and she wasn't about to stop now. As she stood in front of the massive headstone, she reached out and set her most treasured possession atop the thick granite ledge.

Her childhood had been spent surrounded by so much death. Sure, it was mostly fictional death created by her father's passion for mystery and fascination with the macabre, but when he began chasing real killers and cheating death with Detective Beckett it became all too real. As scared as she had been of her father dying, once he was gone, she noticed that death was gone too. And once it was gone, all she could see ahead of her was life…and she wanted to save it.

As her hand pulled away from the headstone it revealed a small white nameplate with the name _Dr. Alexis Castle _engraved deeply into the plastic. "I love you dad," she whispered. She hurried back to the others with a smile on her face and tear on her cheek.


	14. Epilogue

**Five Years Ago **

There is a moment between today and tomorrow, between the first breath and the last  
where dreams are lost and wishes are granted. And when that moment came for Rick  
and Kate, unwanted and unbidden into their lives, it was unimaginable. It was panic and  
fear, noise and heat, pain and anguish, loss and longing, all combined into one terrifying  
moment. And when the moment passed, they found themselves standing on the edge of  
forever, looking into the bright white light of eternity, and it was more than they could ever…!


End file.
